She looked at me and said, "I know I need to work on my abs. And my arms, they're so flabby. Look at this." (Jiggles arms.) "And my inner thighs. Actually, just all of it. My whole body needs to change. I'm not even close to where I know I should be." (Awkward laugh.)
I had just started with a new private training client. Sitting in her living room, I had asked, "What are your goals as we work together?" Her answer wasn't unusual. As a fitness trainer, when I ask clients about their goals, they usually go straight to the parts of their bodies they dislike.
I was tired of hearing people list everything they hated about their bodies. More than that, I felt that asking the question this way was hurting my clients' self-image and their ability to get results. So when I started with a different client recently, I asked this instead:
"What's the strongest part of your body?"
She opened her mouth to answer. Then stopped. Then laughed and, after a few moments, said, "You know, I guess my legs? Yeah, I think my legs are pretty strong."
"Great!" I said. "Let's start there."
Why focusing on what you dislike backfires
In the wellness world we often treat goals as a way to fix a broken body. But as any trainer or coach will tell you, focusing on what you hate is a spiral that rarely ends well. The more we repeat what we dislike about ourselves, the more that becomes the default story, and the less inspired we are to keep going, try new things and stay committed. Naturally, we see less change too.
Research points the same way. Across 15 samples, people who treated themselves with more self-compassion were more likely to practice healthy habits such as eating well, exercising, sleeping and managing stress. So how do you build a plan around possibility instead of criticism?
Step 1: Start with your strengths
Our bodies are remarkable. We get so fixated on what they don't do well that we forget how much they get right. Pick out a few strengths and start there. For the client who said her legs were her strongest part, we could use lunges or plyometrics (which need leg strength and power) to connect that strength to her core. Maybe her core is weaker, but linking her weaker and stronger muscles helps her functionally and reminds her that her goals are closer than she thinks.
Step 2: Focus on alignment, not speed
Good form helps you avoid injury and lets your body work at its best. Everyone knows it's better to move slowly with the right form than to rush through reps, wrenching your body around just to finish faster. Take that principle into your whole wellness plan. Your health isn't a race to a finish line; it's a daily commitment to feeling energized and well.
When you set goals, line them up with what feels right. Instead of crash dieting to see the scale drop, nourish yourself with the energy your body needs. Trade metrics like your weight for questions like these:
- Do I feel good when I eat this?
- Am I fueling myself with energy or draining it?
- Would it feel good for my body to move right now?
Step 3: Practice presence through discomfort
It sounds backwards, because goal-setting is about the future, but change always happens in the present. Whether it's holding a plank for four extra counts or choosing a breakfast that fuels your day, your best choices come from paying attention right now.
Setting fitness goals means choosing a bit of discomfort from time to time. Discomfort isn't bad; it's the springboard for every change you make. So when a workout feels tough, try attending to it instead of running from it. Where do I feel it? What's the sensation? Is it burning? Could I stay here a few more moments? Your ability to stay is your ability to change.
Build from what's working
When we approach goals this way, our sense of possibility opens up, and we're more likely to stick with the plan. There's nothing to gain from berating our bodies or ourselves. To make the changes we want in mind and body, start with what's working and build from there.
Looking for more ways to stay motivated? Try our tips for staying active through winter, see how to train like an Olympian, or read how to have more energy naturally.
Courtney Romano is a personal trainer and coach in New York City and the author of the book The First Ten Years. Find her at courtneyromano.com.
